Nothing has changed since my last post. I still really love what I do. But, I tell you what, I am emotionally, spiritually, and physically drained. This week I realized something a little sad about my time here: about 90% of my life here is "work." I do find time to enjoy some casual meals, some good time for sports, an occasional moment for video games, and a coffee break or two. But aside from this pretty much everything else is work. I prepare things for class: lessons, tests, activities, grading, stories, etc. I meet with students, and although this can be great fun, it is often very complex and focused on "deep" things. Even going to church here is work, not rest and refreshment.
This week, has been a really tough one. Between the things going on in a land that may or may not be a part of China, the trouble with the Olympics, and all the difficulties with France, the students have a lot of questions. I'm not really allowed to give answers, which I'm honestly thankful for. I don't want that responsibility. I don't know the answers. But I do encourage the students to think about things with their own minds. Rather than turning to hatred and bitterness at the world, is there a better way that we can approach this situation? I end up playing a lot of Devil's advocate, and it really gets the students thinking. I'm grateful for that. But truth is a double edged sword it seems...
I'm not much of a fan of Sean Penn's work, but I did end up enjoying the movie Into the Wild. Much of the movie seems lost and misdirected, but the ending pulls it all together, I think, in a very real and natural way. Well, maybe for a guy. Maybe it is not a girl's movie. But the boy in the movie basically says that he would rather reject all comfort and security for the truth. And his journey into the wild is a journey seeking truth. Tonight I told a student that I would be willing to lose a friendship because of truth. Truth, it seems, forces you to decide. You can sit on the fence for a little while, but when you are faced with truth, you can't stay indifferent forever. And if someone chose to reject me because of truth, then I would be willing to accept that because that's just how important truth is to me. I think I'm being dangerous but not reckless with this notion, but I could be wrong.
Anyway, in reflecting on the week, I think I may notice several students and possibly even a friend who have turned off their hearts to me because of truth. Oh, and it hurts so deeply inside me. I want everyone to like me. I want everyone to meet me in this journey of truth. Or if they don't exactly meet me, then we should at least challenge each other. But it seems some people don't want to be challenged. I acknowledge that sometimes I ask "why" and "how" a bit more than many of these students can handle. I have to be careful. But it is never in the casual moments of thinking and pondering that people get offended. It's in the moments where I feel "under orders" that people "join" me or refuse me.
Being here really awakens me to knowing that we are in a constant war. This world is not peaceful. Peace in this world is almost illusory. America will have judgment to reckon with, I believe, for all the false peace we have created around ourselves. We have convinced ourselves that this life is simple and peaceful and kind. And the people of China want so much to have that kind of life, too. But, I'm afraid we won't ever really achieve that in this life. And even if we can achieve it for ourselves, I'm not sure we should hold onto it too strongly because so much of the world is constantly at "war," and the world needs people to stand up and fight for the souls of men and women.
Ah, maybe I'm rambling a bit now. I don't know how to express everything. In fact, I'm tired of expressing so many things. Life is good, and yet it is so painful and tiring. Especially when the fellowship here is so limited. I'm wonderfully thankful for my teammate who encourages me, and I him. But, even so, we are both tired. The war is constant, and rest is seldom found. So, I ask all of you who are supporters, to please commit to prayer. Please, please, please pray for Rick and me. Please pray for this part of the world. Please pray for our students and our school and our city and our friends and the administrators and leaders here. I'm am horribly ashamed to say that I did not always pray when I would get newsletters from friends who were "fighting" in this war. And I know not everyone who reads this will actually commit to prayer for what I asked. But I ask it all the same. Because we need it.
The dark covering over this area is beautiful and wonderfully crafted. It is enticing and comfortable. It provides for enough of your fears that you don't have to worry. It answers enough of your questions that you needn't think too much about life. Oh, it is wickedly evil, and it kills me to see such amazingly kind people subject to such lies that they don't even know they are believing. The ones that I have spoken with about truth...I know I offer them something good. And some of them are seeing how the wool has been pulled over their eyes. But many are scared. When the tough questions get asked to them, and they can't run from them, they go crazy. They do everything they can to hide. They reject me. But more importantly, they reject truth. And truth doesn't always even mean "Truth." Just true ideas. All I can do is 1) remember where I have come from - it is the same as those here 2) remember I am not proved good or evil by how much the people here like me 3) live by faith and not by sight and 4) pray, pray, pray.
It is late. I am tired. My joy is in the Lord. And my sorrow is in Him, too. The seeds that are being thrown, may they land in fertile soil. And may my great sins be greatly forgiven that all can see my foolishness, my forgiveness, and most importantly, the one who has forgiven me.
